INSOMNIA

The other night I had a dream.

I found myself in a cavernous building made of dark red brick, that went for many stories above and below the ground. It was latticed with walkways across a huge gallery space in the middle, and dimly lit, with no windows. Everyone there was young, my age, including the people running the joint, except they were all beautiful, charismatic, and cruel.

It took me a while to realise that I was being held in this building against my will, that there was a war and I was on the wrong side. I tried for so long to find a way out, but every time I found a window I was nowhere near the ground floor. Eventually, one night, I found it, and I saw a way out: a long driveway with a grassy median strip leading away into the night.

I ran for it, even though I knew they'd come after me. I thought I could outrun them. But there was a fence: a high chainlink fence topped with barbed wire. I climbed it, wrapped my sweater around my hands and got over the top.

Suddenly it was daytime. They were coming after me, slowly & deliberately, taking their time. They knew I couldn't run away, because there were guards on the roof of the building waiting to shoot anyone they saw running. I lay down in the long grass at the base of the fence, trying to hide. I was on the other side, staring out at this field of freedom, but I knew they'd find me, and be put back inside that dark place.

A little girl found me. She was about four, the only person not between 19 and 25 I'd seen there; the little sister of one of the girls who was in charge. She found me and went to tell her sister, who thanked her and went to tell the others. They had spread out across the field and she wanted help when she brought me back in.

The little girl came back over to look at me. I was still lying in the long grass, the side of my face pressed against the damp earth, smelling the soil. I looked up at the little girl. She was wearing a blue dress. I knew she was my captor's sister, so I told her to run away, and she did. 

She ran away from me across the field, and the guards on the roof shot her in the back. I watched her fall. There was a heavy hollow feeling in my chest, and I thought, Good.

Because that is what you do when you are on the wrong side and you are lost and you have nothing, when you know you're going back into the dark. You take the little triumphs that you can.